The Difference Between Fashion Friends & Foxhole Friends

I spent last weekend with some of my very best friends, and I have decided I know one thing for sure:

Girlfriends are the greatest.

The true power of friendship is actual science. People who have close friendships are more likely to live longer, and even Harvard says you should have a friend at work, so it must be true!

If you are one of those women who doesn’t have many girlfriends because she “just doesn’t get along with other women,” please remember that Ramona Singer, of the Real Housewives of New York, has a birthday party every year with 50 of her closest girlfriends (50!),  and she is truly insane. If Ramona has 50 friends, you can make at least one. I’m just trying to help you with your life expectancy!

I can remember worrying about whether or not I’d make friends at various stages in my life, but the truth is if you’re reasonably social and you shower regularly, it stands to reason you’ll make a good number of friends over your lifetime. Most of these friends will probably be Fashion Friends: you’ll have drinks sometimes, exchange niceties, post some Instas, call it a day. But if your basement floods tomorrow, you’re not going to be calling a Fashion Friend. That’s where your Foxhole Friend comes in.

I learned about Foxhole Friends from my mom, who has had  her own den of Foxhole Friends for years. Foxhole Friends are the ones who jump into the muddy trenches with you when  life is firing from all angles. They are the ones who are your friend when it is the least Instagram-worthy job on the planet: helping you pump out a flooded basement, going to the funeral, listening to the post-mortem analysis on repeat after a breakup. Don’t get me wrong, Foxhole Friends are around for the fun stuff, but they also get a whole lot of the #NoFilter.

It’s inevitable that all of us will have (and will be) Fashion Friends, but at the end of the day those Foxhole Friendships are the most important ones, and the relationships we should cherish most. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between a Fashion Friend and a Foxhole Friend, but I think these are a few of the key ways:

  1. Foxhole Friends Show Up When It Is Least Convenient: Do you have a poetry reading in Park Slope? Need someone to get you from a dental appointment at 5PM on a Friday? Has your car broken down all the way out by the airport? Hello, Foxhole Friend.
  2. Foxhole Friends Have Seen You Look Like Total Shit: You’ll always put a little makeup on before meeting up with a Fashion Friend, but Foxhole Friends already know what you look like sans concealer. The jig is up.
  3. Foxhole Friends Have Seen You (First-Hand) At Your Absolute Worst: Foxhole Friends have seen you be jealous, insecure, impulsive, and a little (or a lot) insane. Fashion Friends only know of your breakdowns after you’ve had time to dress them up into something funny and more fit for a Happy Hour story.
  4. Foxhole Friends Inspire You To Be Better (And Cheer You On!): My friends are honestly some of the most impressive and beautiful people I know. They are teachers, principals, fundraisers, lawyers, and business leaders. They have more degrees than a thermometer, and they are thoughtful and kind to boot.  I am always inspired by them, but not it’s the kind of inspiration that comes from insecurity because they build me up, too. Whenever I’m doing something scary (moving to a new city, sharing this blog, starting a new job) they are the first ones to encourage and support me.
  5. Foxhole Friends Do Not Always Agree With You: I cherish one of my friendships in particular because she is always honest with me, and I always know when she doesn’t agree with my point of view. Fashion Friends agree with you because it’s easy, but Foxhole Friends challenge you because your friendship is worth having deeper discussions.

So here’s to the Foxhole Friendships: thank you, and may we experience many more #NoFilter moments together.

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  • Reply
    May 24, 2017 at 5:03 pm

    Sonia, this is fabulous! #lovemesomefoxholefriends

    • Reply
      May 24, 2017 at 5:04 pm

      I had some good examples growing up! 😉

  • Reply
    Susan Ellis
    May 25, 2017 at 12:29 pm

    Sonia, your den is looking pretty good!

    • Reply
      May 25, 2017 at 1:52 pm

      Thank you! I think so, too!

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